Welcome Aliens is the ninth episode of the science fiction comedy television series Resident Alien.
A young man and woman board a bus, the woman chattering about her pregnancy, asking if her feet look like watermelons. It is thirty years ago in New York City. They chat about things they're going to need, such as baby food and couples massage, when suddenly the lights on the bus go out. An ethereal light appears surrounding the bus and everyone else on the bus appears to be frozen in time. The man wanders to the front of the bus, where the driver is in the process of spilling a cup of coffee, the coffee itself frozen in mid-air. "The baby" cries the woman and the man tries to force the door open, but suddenly the woman is floating in the air. Suddenly, the lights flash again and everything is as it was before, except now the woman is no longer pregnant. "You saw that, right?" asks the man. The woman stands, sees that she is no longer pregnant, and screams.
Back in the present, Harry Vanderspeigle is thinking to himself that he's dead, but wondering why he feels warm and squishy. He thinks that he must be in the afterlife, human heaven, but wonders why it looks like a shabby cabin. He sees Asta Twelvetrees and asks if she is dead too. She tells him she didn't want to leave him alone. She hands him a bottle of milk and he guzzles it greedily, leading her to reflect that now she knows why he has seventeen gallons of milk in his refrigerator. She tells him she needs to change his dressing and says she's looking into getting him a prosthetic, only to pull back his pants leg and reveal a tentacle. He explains that his species is descended from octopuses and he can regenerate his leg, then apply molecular reconstruction to make it appear human again. He sees his device sitting on a shelf and tells her she can go, irritating her, as she stayed up all night to take care of him. He replies that he didn't ask her to stay and she tells him that this is what humans do, that they take care of each other. She stares at the tentacle and tells him she can't take him seriously, but he counters that she's "leg-shaming" him. He grabs for his device, but she takes instead. He tells her to be careful, claiming that he's not ready to radio his people, but she makes him thank her first before handing it over. She tells him to not move, that she's going to work and will come back later. He thinks to himself that if all goes as planned, there won't be a later. He taps the device, however, and curses as he realizes that it has lost power.
At the clinic, Twelvetrees gets a call from D'Arcy Bloom. She refuses the call, only for Bloom herself to appear, chastising her for ignoring her calls. She asks why and Twelvetrees apologizes, saying she's been busy. Bloom asks what her deal was, abandoning her at the clinic, and she claims that because Vanderspeigle was in bad shape, she realized that they didn't have an MRI machine and took him to the hospital in Braddock. Bloom stares at her and then shakes her head, saying that she knows her too well and she knows that she's lying. Twelvetrees walks away saying that she isn't and Bloom replies that she is, that she has a tell. Ellen then comes in, saying that Dr. Stone had her call Braddock to follow up on the MRI, only for them to have no record of it. Twelvetrees calls it a mistake but Ellen notes that Bloom is staring at her. She dismisses her, telling her to go unpack a shipment of catheters. Bloom leaves, saying she has her eye on her. Back at the cabin, Vanderspeigle realizes the power source on his device is damaged. He thinks to himself that certain alien species implant trackers in humans to monitor their activity and he could use it as a power source. Just then, Max Hawthorne comes knocking at his door. He lets him in and Hawthorne says that he heard he fell down a crevasse. He asks if he found his "radio," and he replies that it's broken and he's trying to fix it. Hawthorne suggests that he could help, but Vanderspeigle tells him he needs to leave. Hawthorne expresses relief at his being okay and Vanderspeigle admits that he would have died if not for Twelvetrees, who now knows the truth. Hawthorne is shocked, saying that he thought it was their secret. Vanderspeigle points out that it stopped being a secret when he told Sahar, who is standing outside the door.
Hawthorne says that Sahar won't tell anyone, that she swore to Allah, and Vanderspeigle, not underestanding, cries "Allah knows?! How many people have you told?" Hawthorne lets in Sahar, who asks if he's trying to cut her out. She says she made the truce happen and she wants in. Vanderspeigle calls her "pushy" and she tells him to get used to strong women. She asks what he's hiding and Hawthorne explains about the "radio." She asks why he can't just go home on spaceship and when he looks troubled, she realizes "They took it." She suggests that it must be the government, that they're after him, and that it's probably the Men in Black. She explains them as being a top-secret agency that monitors alien activity on Earth. He says he's not worried, that once he fixes his radio, they won't be a problem. He says he's just missing a part and she suggests the hardware store, but he says that unless she knows someone who's been in contact with other aliens, then he's "shit out of luck." She threatens to wash his mouth out with soap if he doesn't stop swearing in front of them, but he says that he likes eating soap. Hawthorne then tells him he knows where he can go if he wants to find alien stuff.
Vanderspeigle exits his cabin and walks to his truck. Twelvetrees asks just where he is going and he tells her that he needs to get a missing piece for his radio. She shouts that he is not driving with one leg, only for her to see that it has already grown back. He says he has to go and she tells him that even as a pretend doctor, he has to know that the medication stays in his system. He tells her he just took more and will be fine, then spins around, asking "which one is my truck?" Hearing this and realizing that Vanderspeigle is in no condition to drive, Twelvetrees orders him to give her the keys, saying that she will drive, asking where they are going. Their destination, it turns out, is a convention hall with a banner reading "UFO CON, Dulce, NM" and "WELCOME ALIENS." Seeing costumed characters, Vanderspeigle comments that his people are not a costume. "Welcome to my life," she tells him. They enter and Twelvetrees comments that it's kind of cool she's there with an actual alien. They head to a panel, "Ancient Aliens," with the speaker Giorgio A. Tsoukalos. Vanderspeigle likes what the guy is saying. They visit various booths and another panel, "Lunar Lies," but Vanderspeigle tells Twelvetrees that the astronauts did land on the moon and then had their bodies taken over by aliens. They visit a panel about various alien species, with Vanderspeigle giving commentary on each one to Twelvetrees.
Back in Patience, Sheriff Mike Thompson finds his father Lewis Thompson having lunch with ex-deputy Liv Baker. Baker asks if he has anything he wants to say to her, but when he turns the question on her, she tells him to simply have a good day and leaves, telling Lewis she'll see him on Thursday. Sheriff Thompson asks why Lewis would be buying her lunch when she's probably trash-talking him, but Lewis replies she didn't say anything and mostly listened. He tells him he could use that, that his relationship with Baker reminds him of his mother. He says that she always challenged him and wouldn't let him off the hook for messing up until he took steps to fix it. "You might want to think about that" he tells him and starts to get up, struggling. Sheriff Thompson tell him it's okay to ask for help. "Look who's talking," he replies. Sheriff Thompson returns to the office, where he studies his murder board regarding the Sam Hodges case, then goes to the closet, pulling out Baker's far more detailed board. He considers the toxicology report and recalls seeing Abigail Hodges with another man. "Son of a bitch," he realizes. He visits the beauty parlor where Abigail works and sees a magazine advertising how she uses botulinum toxin in treatments. He walks up to Abigail, who tells him to have a seat, but he tells her he's there on official business. He arrests her for her deceased husband's murder, explaining that he went through her phone records and found her calls to Thomas Hoffman, calls that started well before Sam Hodge's death. She tries to protest, but he handcuffs her and reads her her rights, saying that if she can't afford an attorney, he'd be surprised, given the upscale salon.
Back at the convention, Twelvetrees and Vanderspeigle attend an alien experiencer panel. Twelvetrees asks just what he's looking for and he replies that he'll know when he sees it. The panel is hosted by a man named Peter Bach, who calls himself "the Alien Tracker." He says he has a special skillset that makes aliens fear him and that he had his encounter. He demonstrates a shock device which he says he would use if he actually found an alien. He offers his panel as a safe forum for people to share their experiences. A number of people share their stories, Vanderpseigle looking dubious at their claims at best. He turns to share a witticism with Twelvetrees, only to find her gone. He then hears her voice, coming from the stage. She details her own moment, in which she saw a fire in the sky a few months ago after running out from her husband. She calls it a guiding light that gave her strength to move on and that months later, she came into contact with the occupant of the UFO, and something about him made her feel safe and not alone. She tells the group that she knows it isn't what they have experienced, but to trust her that based on her encounter, she doesn't think they're monsters, that some are there to do good. Her speech seems to move the audience, who applauds, but Vanderspeigle thinks to himself, "Nope." Back in Patience, Mayor Ben Hawthorne expresses his surprise at Abigail having been the murderer. He congratulates Thompson, but Thompson isn't so quick to take credit this time. Hawthorne leaves and a melancholy Thompson picks up Baker's deputy badge and taps it on the table.
At The 59, D'Arcy Bloom greets Jay, offering her a drink and Jay points out that she's not even 18 yet. Bloom claims that she was simply offering her juice and Jay explains that she's actually there to interview her about the rescue. Bloom isn't really into it, saying that people don't have to put her on a pedestal, but Jay replies that she's only doing it for extra credit. "In that case..." agrees Bloom, telling her to ask away. Jay begins with her past as an Olympic skier, asking her if she considers herself a fallen hero. Bloom replies that she doesn't know, saying that she thought the interview was supposed to be about the rescue. Jay says she's just establishing background and moves on, asking her about her bandaged hand and arm. She explains that she fractured it when she fell down the crevasse and Jay asks about this. Bloom asks just what she thought happened and Jay is stunned that she climbed so far with her hand the way it was. Bloom explains that she knew any rescue effort would be too late with the storm the way it was and Jay is stunned to learn her mother could have died, seeming to finally realize the gravity of the situation. She says that she'll take the juice when suddenly Judy bursts into the bar, hugging Bloom and sobbing that she almost lost her. Back at the convention, a woman speaks of having been abducted by aliens, who put something in her and are following her. She holds up an x-ray and Vanderspeigle is finally interested, thinking this is the alien technology he needs.
At the Hawthorne household, Ben arrives home to find Kate making dinner. He asks why he smells fish, given that it's taco night. She tells him to get out of his comfort zone, that Max is at the movies with Sahar and so she invited over a friend with her husband. She reveals the two... and it's Lisa Casper and David Logan, the two military agents who have been tracking Vanderspeigle. She, however, introduces them as "Sarah and Richard Houston." Sarah says they can call her husband "Dick." Back at the convention, the panel ends and Vanderspeigle begins pursuing the woman who claimed to have the alien technology implanted in her body. Bach, however, spies him and, like Max, is able to see through his reconstruction to his true alien form. He dismisses the crowd gathered around him and begins pursuit of Vanderspeigle. Vanderspeigle pursues the woman into a photo booth where one can pose with the supposed body of an alien. She tells him it's her turn, but he tells her he's going to cut the alien technology out of her arm and leave. He moves to do so and she shouts, telling him that it's not alien, that she lied and it's actually just a pellet from a B.B. gun. She knees him in the crotch and leaves, calling him a psycho. Twelvetrees enters, asking him what he's looking for, that she deserves the truth. He tells her that when the Greys abduct a human, they leave behind a transmitter to track the victim and that he needs to find one. He explains that it's made of an alien technology which can repair his "radio." Just then, he sees Bach and realizes that Bach see him for what he really is. He explains this to Twelvetrees, who suggests that they should go. "Yes," agrees Vanderspeigle. Back at the Hawthornes, the group makes dinner conversation, though Ben is largely silent. Kate asks him to help with dessert and then notes that he hasn't said two words all night. They argue over the choice of fish instead of tacos and she tells him that she thinks it's nice to have adult company over. She asks him to be more sociable and he replies that he'll talk to Dick about candle-making, but she says it's not exciting dinner conversation. He replies that he's not sure he wants to live in that world. Back at the table, Casper tells Logan to leave reconnaissance to her, suggesting he ask Ben about his candles. When Kate returns, she asks to use the restroom, but instead leaves to go snooping in Max's room.
Back at the convention, Twelvetrees runs interference, trying to get a selfie with Bach. Vanderspeigle, meanwhile, ends up with Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, telling him he needs to hide from the alien tracker. Tsoukalos tells him he has no problem hiding aliens and Vanderspeigle recognizes him as the "hair guy" who knows about ancient monuments. At the Hawthornes, Casper enters Max's room. She roots through his drawers and tries to access his laptop, only to be annoyed when she is stymied by a login screen. She discovers pictures that Max drew of Vanderspeigle back when he still feared him, then finds Max's piece of Vanderspeigle's spaceship hidden in a candy box. She pockets the piece as Kate enters the room, asking what she's doing there. She claims that she's upset about not being able to have kids and she just wanted to see what Max's room looked like. Kate tells her to keep trying, that women are having children much older now. She tells her that she's not the problem, that it's actually Richard. Kate tells her that she can babysit Max whenever she wants. She agrees that she'll take good care of them. Back at the convention, Vanderspeigle munches on fruit and listens to Tsoukalos, telling him he should be on television, they saying he has to go. At the Hawthornes, Ben shows "Richard" his candle-making workshop, saying that he finds it relaxing and helps with the pressures of being mayor. He explains about the Hodges murder, that it was the first in Patience since the 1800s. He continues that he had always wanted to say "not on my watch," but the truth is that it was on his watch. At The 59, Bloom and Judy are now playing pool and she tells her that everyone's talking about her like she's a big hero, except for the people whose lives she actually saved, who are ignoring her. She says that she should be hanging out with her friend and Judy replies that she's her friend, that they're closer than her and Twelvetrees. Bloom continues that it simply bothers her that she can't get a hold of them, that she's been texting all day and it's freaking her out, that something could have happened to her. Judy agrees that it could be the case, that she could be dead. Bloom asks how this is supposed to help. Just then, a man announces karaoke, saying that first up is Liv Baker. Baker performs "Wind Beneath My Wings" and Sheriff Thompson enters the bar. To everyone's surprise, he joins her in the song, performing the line "So I was the one with all the glory." "What the hell is happening?" wonders Bloom and the two continue the song, Thompson opening his hand to reveal the deputy's badge and the song becoming a duet as he gets down on one knee. Baker accepts the badge, saying that she's Deputy again.
Back at the convention, Bach spies Vanderspeigle, who flees, but then leads him into a trap. He voiceovers about how he learned about the concept of a two for one with a sale on day-old baguettes. He corners Bach, reflecting on how exciting it was to have in his grip, only to discover that he was implanted with the technology he needed. He tells him he's taking the technology out of his neck and he asks him where his baby is. He's the man on the bus from before. When he explains this to Vanderspeigle, Vanderspeigle tells him that his people don't take babies, that it's the Greys that do that. "You're a Grey" shouts Bach, but Vanderspeigle replies "How dare you!" Bach begs him not to take it out, that it's the only they can find him if they come back. Vanderspeigle tells him they're not coming back, that they already got what they wanted. He cuts out the tracker. On the convention floor, a Native American man approaches Twelvetrees, telling her that he recognizes her from the experiencer panel and that what she said was very touching. He warns her, however, to be careful, that her alien could be "a Christopher Columbus of the sky." He walks away and she considers this, looking troubled. At the Hawthornes, Max enters his room. His computer lights up and he logs in. It reports a security alert, and he chooses to show it, revealing camera footage of Casper rooting through his room and discovering the spaceship piece. He checks the candy box and, sure enough, finds it gone. Back at the convention, Vanderspeigle tells Twelvetrees that it's time to go, that he got what she needed. "Well, that makes me nervous," she admits. He tells her that he didn't hurt Bach, that he was on his knees thanking him, but a flashback shows Bach calling him a monster. He narrates that there are no monsters, that beings do what they need to survive as, in the dark of night, D'Arcy Bloom pulls up to his cabin. She knocks at the door, shouting for Twelvetrees, then breaks in through the basement window. She sees the lock on the freezer and grabs an ax from a nearby shelf, breaking it open. She sees the many packaged meat products inside and closes it. She starts to walk up the stairs, but something stops her. She turns back and reopens the freezer, then moves aside the meat packages, revealing the face of the human Harry Vanderspeigle. She screams in horror.
Cast and characters
Special guest star:
- Terry O'Quinn as Peter Bach
- Keith Abruthnot as Alien Harry Double
- Kaylayla Raine as Jay
- Deborah Finkel as Abigail Hodges
- Alvin Sanders as Lewis Thompson
- Michael McIntyre as Bearded Man
- Kemi Mathers as Female Experiencer #1
- Sandra Medeiros as Female Experiencer #2
- Tiffani Timms as Female Experiencer #3
- Richard Yee as Male Experiencer #1
- Ryan Egan as Male Experiencer #2
- Kayla Deorksen as Pregnant Woman
- Arianna McGregor as Female Abductee
- Corvin Mack as Stanley
- Ray G. Thunderchild as Ray
- Veronika Hadrava as Mousy Woman
- Dylan Sloane as Young Peter Bach
"Oh no. This must be the afterlife. I'm in human heaven. It makes me want to kill myself."
- Harry Vanderspeigle, waking up after having his leg chopped off
"Now I know why you have seventeen gallons of milk in your fridge."
- Asta Twelvetrees to Harry, as he guzzles a bottle of milk
"Don't worry, she's not gonna tell anyone. She swore to Allah."
"Allah knows?! How many people have you told?"
- Max Hawthorne regarding Sahar, and Harry Vanderspeigle
"Unless you know someone who has been in contact with other aliens, than I am... what is the expression? 'Shit out of luck'."
"If you don't stop using that kinda language around us, we're gonna have to wash your mouth out with soap."
"Go ahead. I like soap. I eat it all the time. Shit. Ass. Piss. Stink. Where's the soap? I am so hungry."
- Harry Vanderspeigle and Sahar
"Kinda cool that I'm here with an actual alien. I feel special."
"You are not special. You are common."
"That's oddly less offensive now that I know you're from outer space."
- Asta Tweletrees and Harry Vanderspeigle
"The moon landing was a sham. It was all filmed on a soundstage by Kubrick."
"The astronauts did land on the moon."
"And their bodies were taken over before they returned."
- Host of "Lunar Lies" panel, Harry Vanderspeigle and Asta Twelvetrees
"You got the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, I’d be surprised because this salon is bangin'."
- Sheriff Thompson to Abigail Hodges
"I did an Internet deep-dive and found pictures of Ben making these shitty candles. Ask him about it."
- Lisa Casper to David Logan
"For all you know, your alien is a Christopher Columbus of the sky."
- An alien experiencer to Asta Twelvetrees
- "Welcome Aliens" features a guest appearance as himself by Giorgio A. Tsoukalos, a writer and ufologist known for his appearances on the series Ancient Aliens. Also appearing is Terry O'Quinn, known for his role as John Locke on the series Lost.
- on the Internet Movie Database